February 2012
9 posts
What am I becoming?
There’s nothing worth loving in this wreck.
Comfortable.
To think, for several years we lived one degree apart. Sometimes two, maybe three, but mostly one. We brushed shoulders with the same people, went to the same shows, visited the same restaurants and coffee shops. Maybe we smiled at each other in a crowded bar, or laughed at a story a mutual friend told that contained the other. All that time, and we never knew.
It aches, just a little. Knowing...
“No relationship is perfect, ever. There are always some ways you have to bend,...”
– Sarah Dessen
Every time I think I’ve figured you out, you surprise me all over again.
I hope that never changes.
i know it is necessary to change the way we’ve done this, but i’m really going to miss having tuesdays. they’ve been the solitary bright spot in my week for months. i’m not sure what to look forward to now, but i’ll figure it out.
don’t give up on me yet.
Your time is so valuable to you,
yet you give so much of it
to me.
prepositions
i’m sorry for
having so many emotions, all of the time, and always so scattered
getting so angry and walking away from you
and ignoring your phone calls
getting sad
making you worry
getting drunk…i really meant to just have one drink :(
thank you for
being calm
and persistant
showing me that i matter to you
holding me close
not giving up on me, ever…even though...
1 tag
Your voice on the other end of the line,
or your hand brushing my knee, side by side on your soft pink couch,
those things always make me feel better.
Every time.
It doesn’t take much.
You have me in the palm of your hand.
January 2012
11 posts
2 tags
All of you.
I love to love you when we are sweet and quiet, arms tangled and your breath on the back of my neck.
I love to love you when you are sleeping, your tiny murmurs and deep sighs, your dark hair brushing your cheeks.
I love to love you when we are fighting, faces red-hot, eyes squinted and hearts pounding out of our chests with emotion and anger.
I love to love you when you are worried and...
1 tag
You let me go on and on about planning a future we both know is uncertain.
I need to have something to dream of, something to keep me going when I’m frustrated and tired and stuck. You seem to understand.
What patience, what kindness.
1 tag
We communicate.
“When I looked at you, my life made sense. Even the bad things made sense. They...”
– Jonathan Safran Foer (via jamesraven)
Is it too much?
All of the words — typed and penned and spoken, the still-shy smiles, the times when I can’t let go of your hand or your knee?
Is it ever enough?
With all of the ways you have changed me, the comfort and growth and challenges? You took something distant and unfeeling and you gave it a reason to beat. You gave me a reason to feel and care and try again.
How do...
1 tag
I am learning to need someone.
It leaves me fragile, grasping.
Alive.
1 tag
The fact that you not only tolerate, but you encourage* my squealing, giddiness, clapping, skipping, etc when I come into contact with tiny/adorable/fluffy things.
*Because you and I both know it is nothing short of encouragement when you continue texting me photos of precious puppies and miniature pinecones, or when you buy me tiny coffees at work or give me little bitty baby rats and babies...
3 tags
I like that for you, getting silly, stupid drunk at a New Year’s Eve party means you social networked, almost fell asleep on the couch, and asked me more than once to leave before midnight with no idea that we hadn’t even celebrated the new year yet.
This is the kind of drunk that makes me smile. This is the kind of drunk that doesn’t scare me. I like how smart and lovable you...
I remember when you texted, me on the road back from the concert, in the sleet, in the rain, and you asked me to come over. ‘I know it’s late.’ So we drank red wine in your bed and then you held me close, never minding my running nose and dry coughs. I was up before the sun, driving home to shower and turn right back around for downtown to work. I was exhausted, still sick,...
I can’t wait for all of the adventures we are going to have together.
December 2011
9 posts
Do you know how many people care for us? How many smile when I gush over you, how many tell me they are happy for us, how many text after an evening together and tell me they like you, they like you for me, they like spending time with us together?
It’s not that I need those words from anyone. You matter. I matter. And what we see and do and learn together — that tells it all. What...
1 tag
You give me new things to consider. Perspectives, ideas, subjects. Always something different.
I hate how engulfing and cold my twin size bed feels after you’ve gone.
1 tag
You are strong when I am weak. You stress yourself out looking for solutions to my problems.
I’m not saying I want you to worry so much…I’m just saying that it felt good to know you care like that.
You stay calm. I’ll figure this out. Someday, things will be better.
1 tag
Reading words about people I don’t know anymore makes my heart ache with the joy that you found me.
5 tags
i love you
so much. so very, very much.
November 2011
16 posts
“The role of the artist is exactly the same as the role of the lover. If I love...”
– James Baldwin
I am so sorry for fighting with you. I never meant for it to become a big issue. I take for granted how many of my biting comments you ignore and how often you give in to my childish tantrums. I should have just let everything go and asked how I could help you feel less stressed. Too often I forget to put myself aside and simply do what you need.
After arguing, I need to know that things are...
3 tags
You are
Stubborn, callous, cold, frustrating, distant, messy. (sometimes)
You hit snooze for two hours in the morning. You are forgetful. You don’t reply to texts. You smoke.
But you forgive. You let go and look forward, never back. You eventually soften and respond gently. You never walk away. You give me chance after chance.
Those things makes all the rest irrelevant.
2 tags
“I have a lot going on, but that doesn’t mean I can just neglect our...”
– You, on making time for me in the midst of going full-time at work, recording a split for four bands and finishing a record for another band.
2 tags
‘C. loves vegetables. And not so much sweet things.’
-you, telling your mother what I might like to eat at Thanksgiving.
You know me so well. Intimately, simply, you are comfortable, familiar. You are home to me.
1 tag
It seems so long ago that everything I knew was hazelnut coffee and skim milk that scalded my tongue every morning. A boy in a thick coat waiting for me atop the parking garage, smoking cigarettes and asking if I wanted to come over and watch a movie. A blanket stretched over our laps, obscuring cautious hand-holds. A steady stream of texts, easy banter and quick replies. Little whispers in the...
Je veux tout de toi.
3 tags
On ne voit bien qu'avec le cœur. L'essentiel est...
I need to hear it still. Day to day, hour to hour. I have to know it hasn’t gone away, that you haven’t changed your mind.
It’s nothing you’ve done wrong. It’s a lifetime of distant family and throwing myself too hard into things that weren’t built to last. It’s undoing the years I spent with no self-respect, letting people who didn’t have my best...
“Perhaps we dont like what we see: our hips, our loss of hair, our shoe size, our...”
– Sufjan Stevens
4 tags
Email
Dear J,
I know I said it a dozen times before leaving tonight, but…
Thank you:
For giving me some extra time tonight when I needed it. For being compassionate and understanding. For really listening to me. For putting up with me when I am tired, which so quickly turns to me being cranky and childish and needy.
I’m sorry:
For being so cranky and childish and needy. For...
4 tags
You gave our co-worker money for two boxes of Girl Scout cookies and told him one was for ‘whatever [I] want’ — imagine my delight when he casually mentioned this to me.
Later, I looked up and you were, mid-technical support appointment, making wild gestures at me and mouthing the lyrics to Coldplay’s ‘Yellow.’ Cheesy and intentionally overdone? Yes. Adorable...
1 tag
Some things I am beginning to understand about you
1. Very rarely do you have ulterior motives.
2. You are forgetful. And a little spacey.
3. Work time is a highly focused, extremely serious, very much personal time.
4. You are hesitant to communicate negative feelings or problems between us.
5. You’re better left alone when you’re stressed.
6. If I’m not direct about something, you’ll completely miss it 90 percent of the time.
We are...
You asked if I would spend part of my Thanksgiving with your family.
Later, we talked about what living together might look like. I told you I wanted that, and you said you think you do, too. You think you would like it.
I feel safe. I hope I can wrap myself around this moment and pull it out to remind me when I feel less certain.
1 tag
My morning and much of my day were rough.
But then you gave me your little smiles. You touched my hand for just a second. You filled me up with warm food, let me rest my head on your chest, wrapped your arms around my middle.
You brighten everything when my world seems darkest.
You bring light into my life, into my soul.
1 tag
Me: I think things are mostly good. We have had some rough spots the last couple months, but I think mostly I just need to relax and not get so wound up and things are really just fine.
April: I think you're right.
October 2011
12 posts
3 tags
3 tags
1 tag
“He really likes you. He talks about you a lot.”
– r.h.
1 tag
You scoped out the porta-potties for me (and took a ‘proud parent moment’ photo when I exited…), picked the pepperonis off a slice of pizza (‘Hey look! This piece is vegetarian!’) and slammed a teacup of [way too strong] whiskey apple cider to impress me.
You are the very best person in my life.
From the silliest level to the most romantic, caring and sincere, I...
2 tags
I cried and felt insecure about insecurity.
You said, ‘You care about things like [my friends’] birthdays. I like that about you.’
You let it be okay for me to ache over something so insignificant.
For the hundredth time, you picked me up and set me back on my feet. You spoke without a hint of frustration. You made it clear that I am not a burden, that my feelings...